Basma's Notes

2009-10-17T21:42:00.001+02:00

I'm going to start a new blog, a serious blog, one of these days...

when i was little

2009-08-03T13:38:00.017+03:00

So I don't know how exactly but yesterday I came across a sketch online of this dress that looked mostly like a antique mixture of Gothic and ballerina fashion. The

website described it as neo-Victorian which inspired me to look up some real images of original Victorian dress and design. I don't know much about Victorian England outside of what I've been able to imagine from a tale

of two cities and little women. Both stories coincide with the typical vision of Victorianism, the barmaids, the starving orphans, the repressed sexuality and the decadence of the rich. And although I would have no interest in having to

discover the raw conditions of the era, I have to admit seeing the lace and velvet sleeves and satin gloves conjured up some hidden fantasies I probably had as a child. Those clothes seemed like they may have belonged to actual princesses and seemed more fairy-tale like than

most of the Disney movies I ever had to endure watching. Something about ballrooms and fine paintings reminds me a of a certain yearning I had as a child to be part of a world that doesn't seem to even exist outside of a nostalgic form any longer. I thought about it and my feelings

might be stemming from my favorite doll. Samantha was an American doll. And every girl chooses her favorite American doll. I used to spend hours reading Samantha's stories. Samantha rode horses She enjoyed the finer things in life and yet poor people still liked her. She was

clearly the most beautiful and of all the dolls and the most desirable. She lived in a comfortable home with her family and got to wear her long brown hair in a ribbon everyday. It's horrible, but I loved her and used to imagine

myself waking up every morning in her place in a Gothic revival mansion in central London.This must sound ridiculous...and horrible, but I was a kid and I was allowed to be selfish. My point being, the image really touched me.

pavement.

2009-07-17T01:15:00.005+03:00

i can't believe those previous posts, how pitiful

i am feeling so much better.

maybe nothing has changed but at least I have.

things are good with people though i don't really care about other people anymore and my and "estrangement" issues

are milder now, also, i don't feel ugly anymore, i'm confident now. i know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder blah

blah and we all just have to seek the people whose eyes behold beauty when they behold ourselves...yep...

this summer is halfway over. i did end up finding a job but the pay was dispicable and it wouldn't really have served a

purpose for me like career wise in helping me gain any experience so i quit after the second day of orientation. i'm not

a quitter, that job would have been a waste of time. instead im downlaoding bollywood music in my infinte spare time

and hosting unfamiliar friends of friends around khan elkhalili all july, yum. at least it'll be time for ramadan in a few

weeks and i can use that as an excuse to nap all day. also my former best frannnd is here for the summer and things

are much better than we last hung out :)), i think we'll be okay. she is dissapointed in me, or at least finds it bizarre

(like most people) that i won't leave my parents house...they don't understand, it's a sacrafice that im okay with.

I still can't escape my mother and father or the life they are demanding of me and i'm helpless until i graduate ...but i'll

survive because every moment that i spend defenseless is another i will value when i can get out of this corrupted

piece of shit hashden...and despite my language i'm not angry, i'm just looking forward to incredible changes

someday and determined to make the most of things today, which with just a pinch of perspective...are not so very

bad at all

the other day i officially dropped the title of the only person to not have seen the Godfather, and I loved it haha it was great i can;t wait to see part twoo + i will always love sonny carleone though james caan couldn't manage to cling on to his good looks im sure he hasn't lost that charm...

pablo naruda fills a gap in my chest, he's like an bubble bath on christmas morning

and finally, if pantheism was a real religion and not just a character trait, i would have discovered it by now

currently: zepplin, iron& wine and the cold war kids

2009-02-12T19:52:00.002+02:00

révolution de la cocaïne

Alexandra, and Gabby and Therese and uncle Medhat are coming in april-may and we're going to Sharm, which is lame but I couldn't care less because I love them.

I miss the bus senior year, when me and chanel where pretty much connected at the hip, could read each others thoughts. me, katie, chanel, khaled, tamara and whoever else singing along to blink 182 and black eyed peas "my hump"...?

I am lonely and I'm a wreck. I wouldn't be able to recall the exact route of how I became like this. For my future self:

I am currently a loner, insecure, angry, a stonehead(practically), on lustral, overabusing painkillers when I am on my period, inable to form relationships with people, emotionally worn, afraid.

The worst part is that I am lonely and so freaked out that people can sense this about me and are pitying me, or think I am desperate, or weak, or naive...i don't know...it's pretty bad.

2008-08-23T21:12:00.003+03:00

finding reality in sunshine

2008-08-13T20:46:00.012+03:00

mundane isn't a frame today
downstairs is anywhere
trade a sentence for a theory in this botanical hell
he is so gallant, it's farewell
but you an underrated lad
will bring us good news
and are crooked and sensitive
paradoxically negative,
hardcore naivety
you only stare into the eyes of the needy
sing and kill
there is no more
there is no more

2008-08-11T19:40:00.004+03:00

-the best line you will find in the harmonium collection:
she dreams a little, and she feels the dark/encroachment of that old catastrophe

2008-08-11T19:07:00.006+03:00

earlier it came to me as something much less swift
no longer a subliminal concern
my mother is much older now
than the picture proclaims
she looks more and more like her mother
and is probably all alone
all communication took our money and we don't know where
unless i need something or she is yelling
we say we hate each other
faces clouded with distrust
my little sister is only in fifth grade
she needs more
where is my humility today?
i express so much hostility
with them, no one else especially her and i'm killing her
but it's not my fault
and i can't change since i let go and now i'm the weak girl
and my idiotic temper will end it for me
in the future when it's my turn
where do i begin

windows

2008-08-10T16:57:00.011+03:00

at 10 in the morning and in this country
i'm listening to my neighbor making toast
late sunrise look right at it
it's still early here
we can feel the dust not being there
and the air is whiter and we can feel it just being there
i trace nostalgia coming from the windy side of the building
and pull it back
from the grip of my unseen God
during the unhappiest week of my life
i'm impatient but i can stand the sounds
of this body shaking against the atmosphere
and i'm listening to our favorite music
my family,
since they don't stand the sounds,
hide away and dream
needing nothing
repeating this to me,
and we can feel our own pain in peace

Anthony Green's cover of Coney Island by Good Old War

2008-08-10T16:35:00.004+03:00

listening to it now and I love how he altered the lyrics,

I found a letter in the mailbox today
It said thank you for your thoughts but I'm done
You said that I would never build this up right here
And I said that's why I can't work with you son

Well I can't let this go I'm on my way
But you can only hold my diamond ring
Well I go crawling back to the woman I love
She's already taken everything

Im goin' to Coney Island and have myself a dog
Reminisce why I still hate it here
It's all these people with their cotton candy eyes
It's so sweet now put your train in gear

Well I can't let this go I'm on my way
But you can only hold my diamond ring
Well I go crawling back to the woman I love
She's already taken everything

The ground is swallowing my options for release
And if it rains we might just disappear
I counted oh so many friends up there today
I'm thinking that's why I still love it here
I'm thinking that's why I still love it here

blahdee blah, unquote.

2008-08-09T17:44:00.014+03:00

there's supposed to be a group on facebook where everyone changes their middle name to Hussein, negating all the stigma

that Senator Obama is facing... I wasn't aware he had a Muslim middle name. He was also born in Hawaii. How random is that?

Now all these conservative critics are propagating this "not American enough" blahdee blah. I'm always

talking to certain double identity friends how I find it odd they say they don't feel American enough when their
story is exactly what I would consider common, they are always dynamic, like their background.

Their families come from non-Western countries, probablyafter receiving advanced college degrees, and getting married.

They moved to the states to pursue their careers and start a family.

What's not typical about that? hmm do people still believe in the whole leave it to Beaver perfect family unit

scenario?

skinhead vid,

2008-08-07T23:40:00.009+03:00

throw a cheeseburger at Basma!

2008-07-26T17:13:00.010+03:00

sometimes i don't feel 'normal' because of how strongly i object to the superficiality of all these online networking websites and, lifestyles practically, and just the general lack of privacy of the Internet now.

i keep wondering, where exactly lies the appeal in virtual social lives?
why is everyone acting manically show-offish and not being called out for it?
suddenly everyone i know is a professional photographer with 10000 friends
many girls have online beefs with each other for the most trivial of reasons
the rest are posing in coloful push-ups and declaring it art!
wouldn't you rather be at the park? i know i would

so am i an abnormal teenager for restricting my web use to just it's minimal neccessities
i don't know anymore but this definitelty reaffirms my view that i was born in the wrong decade

2008-07-26T00:53:00.027+03:00

look into my eyes and tell me please

that you want me for more than my goodness

my wretchedness and blessedness

tell me

you like me for my

tangled hair

and all the rest that never matters

that we'll notice only when we are full and alive

disenfranchised with the world and the media

and the jungle we refuse to believe in

do not love me

because i stay downtown

and i search for highways

and a expressway lined with the greenest

the bravest

the youngest

remind me again how i'm not okay

tart Geneva

2008-07-24T22:10:00.006+03:00

don't listen
i've avoided your dinner on purpose
don't ask me again why i'm different
how were we ever the same
thank heaven for contingence
saw her and her nail varnish vanish
inside the cult of no worries
and no mistakes
of losing everything you sold
with popularity to gain
you never cared anyway
let's talk about that bag of rumors
sway the lunchline at school
now your childish needs,
lack of definition
or amplitude of
are boxlike full of almond eyes
withholding hurricanes of saltwater spirit
you have cursory status
tears my daughter!
we lovers find all
sour knowing you'll never agree

7.23

2008-07-23T23:10:00.018+03:00

in this dream some woman monster scientist was dipping me in a formula and transforming me into different species
i was a starfish
and i don't remember much else but towards the end i see my own reflection in a make-up mirror and it is revealed to me, by my own subconscious, that i'm the killer.

also, in the middle of the night i woke up and stepped in vomit. yep
my sister nana got sick and left some pink and brown evidence of that in the bathroom hallway
lovely

man i was really twistedd.
plans will change
Not to sound like what's been said,
problems i found were appearing 'round
How can i let go of the single constant inside me hold. On the ground we crush
our arrogant soles into jeopardy.

fade back home
How alone at this point we're aware of the irony. This typed could scape a thousand of the loved ones, unquote, in a silly chime, oh why can't you all love like we do.

the loudest post i named

2008-07-17T01:43:00.026+03:00

text msg
little kid and you drop colors into your face to make yourself sick
freeze the grapefruits into drama dimension
hiding between the racks
you you you!
wait 'til the madmen come in through the skylights
after you learned how to ward off the vampires in the first place
and
make bubble machine guns
send them to your local flower shops
where darling's hand language turns into cinema manuscripts
she'll die crunked in a five star a la carte
never letting go of those vows and vowels
since the circumstances
swayed not in the mood of the bebe

2008-07-15T20:50:00.012+03:00

le trépas de Mlle fais de beaux rêves
feeling sullen like sunshine
soap of abandonment like juice in my hands
confused teardrops fall like avalanche on electric green glitter
like severe paraphernalia suggesting evidence of her
helpless castigation
all "gloom in the afternoon"
and lorn in the morn
so tokens were sent
on the
solar system tram
arriving anytime, close to the right time
packing words made for her to commemorate
knowing, yet completely unaware
naivety of this veracity could lead you somewhere
easily, now
pick up the gun and save yourself woman
you're meditating an improper organ
while your mind keeps the liberty code
unjust? look away

obeisance in the name of Mawlānā Jalāl-ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

2008-07-15T18:23:00.002+03:00

Rumi says, a true connection with God can be fostered only through total submission to the beauty that encompasses every object or idea we intersect in our lives. God is the beloved, not the feared. the quest for emptiness and the riddance (via my perspective) of constantly adhering to specific labels, definitions, etc.
EVERYWHERE IS FALLING EVERYWHERE

2008-07-15T01:16:00.004+03:00

none of your medicine or your elaborate religions resonate above theory
save my bones from breaking
i'm not relieved!
witches, scribes of pagan legacy
debase me!
alert the authorities, they're who phased me
trace me, sister within me
i'm human like you tell me
and i'm humming in the background
impatiently, wholeheartdly
i'd do anything for myself
i'll do anythinY

the effects of patrick, and perry's roof

2008-07-14T15:16:00.008+03:00

freedomtown
you made a lame girl
professional
and towering
like a skyscraper
covered in colored cheese
saucy, named marigolden g
for the broccoli trees
and the cinnamon benches
where young love is timeless in a gruff underpass of lengthiness
can't flinch at a dog, you're carrying his tag, relaxin
oh snaps now i'm rappin
and they'll light there tubular buspasses
road down to crayola skymarkets
leaving tire marks like on my eyelids
and grass stains everywhere.

2008-07-14T01:06:00.014+03:00

REVOLUTIONARY SANDIE SHAW:
my, old habits and stand by's
you lay aside as the daylight and speed
found yourself on a zoological plate, dynamic
yawning through your disaster, party panicked
first comes friendship
left of the sports complex
dislocated your right
woke up with these feelings
like she was breathing
for reasons demeaning
compassion dear, no one knows me but God.
grasping, your madness
now molded, realization
well i was wrong to wait on the stairs
you fake every day
like you made it
venting won't make a pretty boy chatter
no one knows you but God

little jewels of my life

2008-07-09T11:45:00.008+03:00

not knowing exactly how to solve the riddle
unintelligent, incoherent moments of genius
animal collective and deathcab mixes
stalking the feteer guy near campus
art of London
making up nicknames for guys
the anticipation you feel the night before visiting an airport
can't sleep, too much caffine
needing money
wheat bread smells good on my hands
fireworks and rain on my birthday
single cigarette sales at kiask
sister threatens pothead father with oven lighter

..:)

settle where you may?

2008-07-08T14:57:00.016+03:00

she wants to react//
pockets, pockets
do you remember sailing inside my dirty
anything will get worse when you need to feel loved.
bells will ring to signal the locust
now i'm used to making allowances, these afflictions don't get in my way anymore
even a stomach virus, even tongue lesions, consciousness. will fig newtons improve our health? was Morrissey a fascist?
does anyone see me, look at me
respect is not an mutual agreement
is sacrifice part of your vocabulary-

the fundamentals of a steller smile

2008-06-26T03:16:00.011+03:00

With all these hopes
I believe there's meaning. No, I believe there's nothing
dance gavin dance'

This journal is my attempt at recording and expressing the long and unraveling rope that is my young adulthood.

=p